SEATTLE, WA – Amazon delivery drivers in four key states walked off the job. This happened just days before the holiday shipping frenzy reached critical mass. They demanded better wages and safer working conditions. They also wanted an end to the mandatory “reindeer games” during peak season. But Amazon, ever the innovator, remained unfazed.

“It’s fine,” a spokesperson for the retail giant assured the public in a press release issued late Tuesday night. “We have elves.”

The statement was initially met with widespread confusion, then a wave of online mockery. #ElfLabor, #SantaWouldBeAshamed, and #WhereAreTheOSHAInspections were soon trending on social media. But Amazon doubled down.

Leaked internal memos revealed the company’s “Project North Pole,” a top-secret initiative launched earlier this year. The project involved the acquisition of a large number of… well, elves. Apparently, Amazon had struck a deal with a “North Pole-based logistics firm” (rumored to be a shell corporation owned by Santa Claus himself) to provide supplementary delivery personnel during peak season.

“They’re surprisingly efficient,” an anonymous Amazon manager confided. “Small, nimble, and they can fit into those tiny electric delivery vans like nobody’s business. Plus, they don’t require bathroom breaks, they subsist entirely on sugar plums, and they’re surprisingly adept at navigating complex apartment complexes.”

Images began circulating online of tiny figures in green tunics piloting Amazon vans, some even sporting miniature versions of the iconic Amazon Prime vest. Reports emerged of packages being delivered with unnerving speed, sometimes even before they were officially marked as “shipped.”

Not everyone was amused. Labor unions condemned the move, calling it a “blatant disregard for human workers” and raising concerns about potential labor exploitation. “Sugar plums and forced cheer aren’t a substitute for fair wages and benefits,” a union representative stated.

Meanwhile, customers reported a range of bizarre delivery experiences. One woman in Ohio claimed her package was delivered via chimney, leaving soot marks on her new white rug. Another customer in Texas reported finding a half-eaten gingerbread man tucked inside her package of cat food.

Despite the controversies, Amazon’s stock price soared. Wall Street analysts praised the company’s “innovative solution” and “disruptive approach to holiday logistics.”

As Christmas Day approached, Amazon declared “Mission Accomplished,” announcing record-breaking delivery numbers. The company even hinted at expanding its elf workforce year-round, suggesting potential applications in warehouse fulfillment and customer service (“They’re excellent at wrapping presents and fielding angry customer calls with unnerving cheerfulness”).

The future of retail, it seemed, had arrived. And it was wearing pointy shoes.